The Krankies - how an act was born

So what I want to know was how did they decide to do it in the first place? Why did they decide to do it? I’m talking about that legendary double act, The Krankies. There must have been a time when they were like you and me - just an ordinary suburban couple with a hum drum life, worrying about whether the washing machine might live for another year or if they should build a conservatory out back. But somewhere along the line it all went show biz - but in a strange, boy scout kind of way. Strange thing is they must have sat down and actually decided to do it … what I mean is it was a conscious choice. Maybe an epiphany?

Daddy Krankie: So then love, what do you think?

Wee Jimmy Krankie: Think about what?

Daddy Krankie: I got this great idea. I reckon we could make it all the way. I know we can. They won’t have seen anything like it. We might even give Stu, ‘I could crush a grape’, Francis a run for his money on Saturday Night Special

Wee Jimmy Krankie: So what’s the big idea then love? A bit of soft shoe shuffle before lights out? Maybe we could do a magic act … I could be Debby to your Paul. Little and Large maybe … oh no, the other two got there before us. I reckon the thin one with the glasses is the talent in that act! How can we compete with such genius?

Daddy Krankie: Oh no. This is bigger … much bigger than that. This could be HUGE. We could be huge … well not you love … you could never be … huge I mean

Wee Jimmy Krankie: Tell me more big boy!

Daddy Krankie: Well, you need to dress up as a little naughty schoolboy, right? Cap at a jaunty angle, shorts, scrunched up socks, freckles …

Wee Jimmy Krankie: I don’t want to do a blue act Daddy. No, I’m too wee for that!

Daddy Krankie: No, you’ve got me all wrong. We’re going to knock Rod Hull and Emu of their perch.

Wee Jimmy Krankie: Ah, kiddies stuff … you mean you want us to give Sooty and Sweep a good kicking?

Daddy Krankie: You got it. Kiddies stuff. Wanna do it?

Wee Jimmy Krankie: Let’s go Daddy

Daddy Krankie: From now on you’re known as Wee Jimmy. Stay in character … never let the facade drop … let’s live the dream. The world must believe you are a naughty little thing - 24/7!

Wee Jimmy Krankie: Fan dabby dosie daddy!

Daddy Krankie: We’re going to have to do it straight. You’ll have to sit on me lap … you cheeky monkey. I’m liking that fan doody thing you did. Keep it in. Hold the thought. Live the dream!

Wee Jimmy Krankie: Hang on! That’s not right. Why would a big man have a wee chap on his lap?

Daddy Krankie: Stop that right now Jimmy! Eliminate that thought. You’re going to bad places and it will end in tears. Tonight Glasgow, tomorrow the world. Rod fucking Hull and his pissing windmill! Fucking Chuckle Brothers - who renewed their contract … I ask you!

Wee Jimmy Krankie: Fancy a quick knee trembler before we get the creative juices flowing?

Daddy Krankie: Now you’re talking Jimmy

Wee Jimmy Krankie: Fanny dabby dozie!!!!!!

And so an act was born …

Desperately Seeking Information on TV Series ‘Going Out’

I’m not usually one for nostalgia. Don’t believe the music or the telly was, ’much better when I were a lad’. I love contemporary popular culture and believe that what’s happening today is most important and more interesting than what happened yesterday. There is however one TV programme I remember watching which was the first TV drama featuring young people who spoke in a way I recognised, who did things I did and who had the same hopes and fears as most of my peers. In short it was one of the most realistic programmes I’ve ever seen. At that time there was little on the telly for young adults and teenagers which managed to reflect their lives and the issues they were dealing with. So this one stood out like a fanny fart at a funeral.

Problem is I can remember very little about it except that it was called, ‘Going Out’. It was set in the suburbs of London and was about a group of school leavers who were all searching for some direction whilst dealing with personal and family problems. It was set in that summer we all remember. The first summer we felt truly free. The summer after you had left school and were waiting to decide your next move. College? The dole? Dead end job? One of the characters lived in a nice area and his parents were lower middle class (he had peroxide blond hair with a wicked centre parting), another wore a long donkey jacket, drank in the morning and was physically abused by his father who used to beat him up on a regular basis. As a result he was rather monosyllabic and occasionally violent. I’m sure there was a token geek with thick glasses. I don’t remember much about the female characters except there was an quirkily attractive tall girl with braces (on her teeth, not holding up her trousers) who fell in love with the blond guy (I think). She was later in some kids’ TV serial about a radio station.

I loved ‘Going Out’ beceause it was gritty, realistic and the plots weren’t in any way contrived. In a few of the episodes not much happened. They were bored, they walked around a lot, smoked, flirted and got into trouble. There were parties while parents were away. It seemed to be about friendship, about a group of teenagers who were not the popular kids at school yet who managed to form a fragile but affirmative alliance of some sort. Within this peer group they found support, fun, companionship and understanding. It was brutal on occasions, but then so is life.

So here is my appeal. Am I mad? Does any one else remember this programme? I think it was on ITV but I’m not sure who made it. Are any of the actors still working? They could all act … there wasn’t a weak link in the cast! I’ve searched You Tube … nothing. I’ve Googled … to no avail. I may have missed something, so stand to be corrected if there is stuff out there. I’d love to hear from anyone who has information or just other fans who might remember something about the programme. It was called ‘Going Out’ … it was brilliant … it was the first time I felt I was watching real life … my life … in the form of a drama. I loved it! Any help gratefully received. By the way, if any of the writers, actors, technicians or directors who worked on the show are out there I’d be thrilled to hear from you and to find out what you thought of the experience as well as what you are up to now.

Oh there was a specially written theme tune entitled, ‘Going Out’. Can’t remember who by. Anyone got a copy? 

I’m not staying in tonight …. I ‘m going out.

The Information Commissioner - a toothless wonder

The fact that two CD’s with 24 million names have been lost by HM Revenue and Customs is not really surprising. Everyone knows how incompetent government departments are. A good day for the superannuated time servers who staff these machine bureaucracies means never having to say you are sorry. The BBC’s website is now reporting that (surprise, surprise) the discs containing our personal data are definitely maybe still on government premises. Call me cynical but I suspect they will be ‘found’ within the next 48 hours. So some low ranking clerical officer has been suspended pending disciplinary action and HMRC Chairman Paul Gray has resigned but this is not good enough. If this happened in industry the whole senior management team would have to go.

With England loosing their crucial European Cup qualifier Mr. Darling and the senior management team at HMRC must be breathing collective sighs of relief as the heat moves to Steve McClaren and the thirteen muppets who played for England last night.

Very little of the coverage has focussed on the legislation or the potential litigation which might follow in the wake of this blunder. We are supposed to have laws requiring organisations in the public and private sector to treat personal data securely. The Data Protection Act 1998 came into force on 1 March 2000. Under this Act, anyone processing personal information must comply with eight principles of good information handling.

The eight principles state that the data must be: fairly and lawfully processed; processed for limited purposes; adequate, relevant and not excessive; accurate and up to date; not kept longer than necessary; processed in accordance with the individual’s rights; secure and not transferred to countries outside the European Economic area, unless there is adequate protection (www.ico.gov.uk).

Data is defined as information which is about a living person which affects that person’s privacy in the sense that it has the person as its focus or is otherwise biographical in nature. It must also be held in a ‘relevant filing system’. Although there is currently much debate about the definition of ‘a relevant filing system’ there is no doubt that this data was held in such a system.

Individuals and organisations can, in theory, be held liable for infringing these eight principles but the problem is that the Information Commissioner’s Office, the agency responsible for enforcing data protection in the United Kingdom, is virtually toothless. They are understaffed and currently unable to undertake unannounced inspections or audits. The data has certainly not been lawfully processed as defined under the DPA (processing means obtaining, recording or holding information or carrying out any operations on the information or data such as disclosing it or making it available). Furthermore by losing these discs HMRC has not processed the data in accordance with the individual’s right and it has not been treated securely. The data may also have been transferred to countries outside the European Economic area without protection.

What action can be taken? Richard Thomas, Information Commissioner, said on 20th November: ‘This is not the first time that we have been made aware of breaches at the HM Revenue and Customs – we are already investigating two other breaches’. In The Information Commissioner’s Officer Data Protection Legal Guidance it states that the Commissioner is able to serve an enforcement notice upon a data controller (the person responsible for data within an organisation) who has contravened or is contravening any of the Data Protection Principles. Such a notice could require HMRC to ensure there was no repeat of the way in which this data was handled, although it is a little late in the day. However failure to comply with an enforcement notice is an offence unless the person charged is able to show that they exercised all due diligence to comply with the notice. Theoretically everyone who suspects they may be affected could make a request for assessment. On receiving a request for assessment the Commissioner is required to make an assessment as to whether it is likely or unlikely that the processing has been or is being carried out in compliance with the provisions of the Act. 24 million such requests might put the cat amongst the pigeons.

The reality is that there is little the Information Commissioner can do and this makes a mockery of the Act and the office of the Information Commissioner. It would seem we just have to sit back while our personal data travels around the world falling into the hands of crooks and paedophiles whilst Mr. Darling and the senior management team in this government department stand by watching us all hurling abuse at the England manager for a few days before the storm dies down. The effect of this incompetence will last for years, not days. England’s loss to Croatia on the other hand will soon be forgotten should we qualify for the next World Cup.

Live Fast Die Young

The Children’s Society is to set up an independent inquiry to look at all aspects of childhood amid growing concerns over the health and quality of childrens’ lives. Complex family structures and an overwhelming number of exams and assessments means that they’re filling their faces with junk food, spending hours alone in front of computer screens and suffering from stress. Their poor parents, meanwhile, seem oblivious to all this as they rush around trying to cram as much as possible into already overcrowded schedules. It would seem our lives are now lived at breakneck pace with little time for some of the simpler pleasures. Being idle is a sin and slowing down practically unthinkable! The importance of paid work and the primacy of economic competitiveness, whatever the personal costs, is almost accepted wisdom in here in the UK. Having just returned from Italy it has become obvious to me that the contrast in lifestyles between the two countries could not be greater. Sure, the Italians have their own problems and their fair share of stress but they do seem to have their priorities better thought out. The Italian government doesn’t need to trumpet family friendly policies or work life balance initiatives because the society instinctively values leisure time and knows what is important. In Italy the extent to which the different generations mix with ease is also striking. The older members of the community sit around chatting whilst keeping a watchful eye on children playing in the square. At first glance these children seem to be running amok in a very unstructured manner. In reality their play is simple and unhurried while our own children seem stuck in their rooms, glued to shoot ‘em up games or else they are being frantically ferried around from one organised activity to another. The importance of taking a few moments out of the day to sit down for a break is also important for Italians. A coffee stop is considered a virtual human right and there appears to be a national commitment to living life at an even pace. Meals can take hours to consume and lunch is a non-negotiable part of the Italian working day. The typical British schedule, however, leaves us guilt-ridden if we’re still for more than a few moments. Sadly, frantic activity and full diaries have become the norm.  Visitors to Italy should also be aware of a social phenomenon which I have dubbed ‘The Italian Distraction’. Far from being unpleasant this social technique is, in fact, designed to force you to relax. I suspect it may even be some covert government initiative to preserve the quality of Italian life. The Italian Distraction invariably involves two people meeting by chance. There then follows a lengthy conversation about nothing in particular. A third or even a fourth person may join in. After a respectable amount of time a joint decision is invariably taken to continue the discussion over coffee, a glass of wine or perhaps a meal.  Thus, a five minute trip out for a pint of milk could take all morning. Italians do not seem to consider such time wasted – far from it – the Italian Distraction is an important part of daily life. Ultimately, any way of life is all about choices. Here in the UK we’d rather spend our spare time at home engrossed in DIY or consuming in huge shopping malls. The Italians would rather just wander out and about to see what emerges.Obviously, I am generalising and there are exceptions to the rule. I spoke to a number of young Italians who were educated and frustrated, seemingly unable to capitalise on their skills and academic qualifications. Some of these young people told me they wanted to come to the UK where they had heard there were rich pickings. ‘Was it true?’ they asked me. ‘Yes, it’s true. You will probably find a job and earn some decent money,’ I told them. I felt it only fair to point out the downside. ‘Rents and mortgages are high and the food is not only bad but also expensive. More importantly,’ I continued, ‘everything is incredibly hectic and you will probably be so busy commuting and working that you won’t have a life! There will also be less time for your friends and you can forget lunch! The leisurely evening passeggiata with it’s slow stop for gelato or coffee will be replaced by the Great British Pub Crawl which involves liver numbing quantities of alcohol consumed within a staggeringly short time span.  My anecdotal observations of British life seemed to be enough to discourage most I spoke to. Sure, Italy has an underperforming economy, their fair share of corrupt politicians and the world’s most frustrating bureaucracy but it still possesses a great quality of life and there are some things money just can’t buy. What’s the point working crazy hours, sacrificing your family and social life if you’re going to die before your time of a stress related disease due to over work? It is no accident the Italians stay healthier for longer than we do . Maybe it is because they view their existence as a joyful jog rather than some crazy lone sprint where profits and short term efficiency gains are placed above anything else.    

Dear BBC … why oh why, oh why?

Am I missing a trick? Last Saturday all I wanted to do was put my feet up with a nice cup of tea to watch an episode of BBCs Strictly Come Dancing on me laptop. A small pleasure admittedly but not much to ask, surely? I am however unable to achieve my modest ambition. Why? Because it seems we cannot watch BBC television in real time on the internet. Maybe we can but I just don’t know how to? (answers on a postcard please). I am convinced the technology exists but it isn’t happening. It must exist because you seem to be able to view realtime ITV and realtime Channel 4. Currently the BBC provide highlight packages of news, poxy podcasts and programmes which have already been shown which nobody ever watched in the first place. Maybe they are afraid that if they let the monster out of the box they’ll never be able to shoehorn it back in. They have a lot to lose. How would they police the licence fee if viewers decided to get rid of their television to go and do something less boring instead? If we could watch BBC channels in real time on the internet then we would never miss our favourite programme and we wouldn’t need a telly. We could catch the live news on the train home or Eastenders on our laptop in the coffee shop or pub. It would be free and we’d never need to stump up for the licence fee (currently a whopping £135.50 per annum). 

As mobile devices become more sophisticated this is the next major step forwards. Taking live BBC with you to work or on holiday should be an option. We’ve paid for these progammes to be made. Instead Aunty Beeb decides which clips they will put on the internet and a cursory glance reveals they are not live. Furthermore they are often the clips from the flagging programmes they want to push.  The whole lot should be up here and available. What are they waiting for? I’m just of to watch a two hour old news bulletin and then a trailer for Murphy’s Law. Heaven forbid I should be able to watch it all live. Don’t get me started on BBC podcasts ….

Instalment 5 - Passenger on Board

this nonsense first appeared in issue 17 of Open Wide Magazine 

… He gives in all to easily though. Throws in his hand, like he know he’s beaten, takes a big breath and draws himself up to his full height, opening his mouth wide and singing in a beautiful, if slightly fragile voice. I don’t recognise the song but it has a sort of jazzy after hours feel and is something to do with trees and fruit. It is the most jaw dropping, heart wrenching sound I’ve ever heard. His eyes are shut and his head tipped back and the sheer clarity of Benson’s voice rocks me. He finishes on this really long note and as it fades his eyes go all sort of watery and stuff. Benson wipes his eyes and nose on his sleeve and stares ahead silently. Now I want to tell him stuff, to let him know how much he’s hurt me and how I wished it had been me who’d mangled his leg on the football field all those years ago. If he only knew how many times I’d murdered him in my dreams and how I’d rehearsed aloud in the cab what I’d say to him if I ever came across him. If he knew how much I hated him for ruining music lessons and making me feel so useless. So here he is, in the cab, staring at me and making me feel useless all over again but he has this amazing voice, managing to hit every note perfectly and now he’s just waiting … waiting to see what happens next. Waiting to see if I’ll hit him, swear at him or throw him out onto the road or lock him in the boot whilst I cruise around town like some sick maniac. The door clunks as it’s released. Benson is free to leave but doesn’t. He just sits staring at the back of my head before announcing, “I do remember you now … quite clearly in fact. You stand out as one of them most unpleasant kids I ever taught and you disrupted my class. You’d no right to do that young man. You’d no right to ruin it for everyone else.”

He won’t leave and just sits and for some reason I can’t turn around. Benson didn’t like me because I’d misbehaved in his precious music lesson and it is as simple as that. Perhaps he hated me because I knew that he couldn’t cut the mustard. I could see the Emperor was naked. I knew he was musically impotent! 

Today in my puck ridden cab he auditioned. A moment in the spotlight as he sang for his supper. Today he was a star and he’d proved it to himself and his audience of one.

“Leave now!” I gulp.

“Thought you’d got big plans. You and your mates were all going to do great things. You’re how old? No don’t tell me you’ll make me feel ancient … and you’re driving miserable old cripples like me to the hospital. Really showed me didn’t you?” Benson then kicks the door open with his good leg and gets out, clinging onto the side of the cab for support. And, yeah, before  you ask, I did think about it – putting my foot to the floor, leaving him a sprawling crippled mass on the concrete.

Upright and dignified Benson hobbles up the pathway to his front door and I watch every limping step … can’t take my eyes off him in fact. He turns to salute me before lurching inside.

  

*   *    *

  

After I clock off I go straight to my room to wash the two mugs which have been on my draining board since Gill left, scrubbing really hard to remove the tea stains. Don’t want her thinking I’m dirty stinky, Then I tiptoe downstairs, in the dark and leave them outside her front door. When I get back I’m on the phone to Philpot.

“Alright Philpot! Watcha’ doing?” I ask.

“Sleeping,” he replies groggily.

“Let’s start rehearsing again at the weekend.”

“Got a drummer?”

“Nah, let’s get a computer or something shall we.”

4th Instalment - Passenger on Board - short story over one week (or so)

 4th instalment - this nonsense first appeared in Issue 17 of Open Wide Magazine

My spirit lived on though as he terrorised my baby sister when she went to the school just because of me. Took the piss out if her because of her lazy eye. He delighted in telling her how he’d humiliated me in front of my classmates and he he’d do the same to her if she gave him any grief. When you’ve got a lazy eye, life’s bad enough with hop-along Benson on your case.

So I take my foot off the gas and cruise along the rainy roads, using the time to figure out how to make the most if this opportunity. It doesn’t take  long. I mustn’t make him suspicious. Everything has to appear completely normal. Handing over his change I flip the door locks down, making out it was an accident, like I’d knocked it over or something.

“Sorry Mr. Benson!”

“Let me out!” he barks.

“Still murdering the piano?” I demand.

“How do you …?”

“DON’T YOU RECOGNISE ME?”

Benson winces, stammering, “Umm … err … well … umm maybe. Now you come to mention it your face does look …”

It is obvious he doesn’t have a clue who I am and why should he?

“I’m Rutherford. You used to teach me music.”

“I’m sorry … I can’t. I mean I’ve retired now on health grounds … don’t teach any more … my leg … couldn’t manage,” he stammers.

“Maybe I can help you remember. I want you to think of your favourite son Benson. Come on tell me what your favourite song is will you!”

 “I’m can’t think …”

“Well you’d better start … pretty quick … otherwise!”

“Otherwise what?”

“Otherwise I’ll take you out into the middle of nowhere and drop you. On a day like this you’ll freeze to death while you hobble to the nearest village!” He makes a grab for the door, trying to wrench up the lock. “It’s no good Benson. You can’t get out. Bit of a safety feature I’m afraid. Stops people trying to fuck off without paying. So start singing!”

I’d like to tell you the obvious. Like to say that he refused or that when he started singing it was really pathetic. Like to say that he was really pathetic, weak and much smaller than I remembered or that he looked old and feeble, as if he wouldn’t harm a fly, but it isn’t true. Sure he looked older and could hardly walk. He’s obviously stuffed full of pain and has spent his fully pensioned early retirement hobbling from one side of some scummy room to the other but he still possesses the arrogance and energy of his former years. His anger, bitterness and determination not to be pushed around is what seems to drive him and it’s probably what keeps him alive.

tbc … nearly there!

Passenger on Board - short story over one week (or so)

3rd instalment - this nonsense first appeared in Issue 17 of Open Wide Magazine

…

“You visiting someone then?”

“Never you mind,” he barks, “just you keep your eyes on the road and let me worry about my health!”

  

*   *    *

  

When we get outside the hospital Benson speaks for the second time, urging to me to get as close to the entrance as possible, shouting , “Closer! Closer!”

“If I get any closer,” I tell him, “we’ll be in the fucking ambulance bay!”

Benson reluctantly counts out the fare, taking coins from this worn leather purse, before limping off towards the entrance. To be honest we tell the punters we wait but if a local job comes up we skip off, do it and return – that way you make two fares in the same time (perk of the job). Thing with this Benson bloke is he’s the kind of punter who’d complain to your boss or the licensing authority, so I just slide into my seat and go to sleep, figuring I won’t give the old bugger anything to whinge about.

*     *     *

  

Next thing I know Benson’s whacking the window. It takes a while to come round and then I can’t work out where I am or anything but he’s staring right at me through the window. Blinking awake he comes into focus and I can see close up he isn’t the old man I’d first thought. Don’t get me wrong I’m not saying he’s young or anything but he definitely isn’t someone in the last throws of life. Clatter! My teeth smack together again as he clambers into the back, slamming the door behind him.

“Everything alright?” I ask.

“Never say do they? I’m the last person they’ll tell if there’s anything wrong!” he murmurs. He’s speaking in a much softer tone – not exact encouraging conversation but at least making some sort of effort. Anyway I’d worked it out by now.

Our first lesson with him was like this pathetic attempt to explain the Lennon and McCartney song writing partnership. As it wasn’t the most stimulating of educational experiences I start chatting to Philpot. When Benson catches me he makes me stand in front of the whole class and sing this poxy hymn. My voice catches in my throat and my face burns red as I mumble my way through.

“Sing up Rutherford!” he shouts. Everyone’s laughing at me now. This other time he sends me out. When he comes after me he shakes me until my head spins. Over the years it got worse … he seemed hell bent on breaking me. Even as I progressed through the school, dropping music as an exam subject, the bastard took every available opportunity to humiliate me, gradually becoming almost paranoid about my very existence.

He knew that I knew his secret so he was keen to find any excuse to send me out when he was playing. He knew that he was unable to play his beloved piano in public without freezing. No bottle, glass jaw, a choker. Every open day or school orchestra performance at which Benson was required to play or conduct he’d blow it. A wrong note here, a dropped beat there, invariably sending his charges into a couple of bars of mangled confusion. Strange thing though … nobody ever mentioned it. A silent conspiracy of incompetence. But he could tell I knew that he lacked the big match temperament. To be honest I could’ve forgiven Benson for humiliating, embarrassing and hurting me but the one thing I found unforgivable was that he killed my enthusiasm and interest in music. They should make that a sackable offence.

tbc … don’t worry there’s not that much more

Passenger on Board - short story over one week (or so)

… Once at school there was this kid in the year below (his parents were hippies or bohemians or something) who was having the crap kicked outta’ him. I saw the glasses go, fly right off his head and clatter on the floor but he wouldn’t go down – and believe me I was willing him to drop – figuring if he did they’d probably kick him a bit and maybe move on to someone else. The kid was a tryer and so I had no choice, I had to help him out. To be honest he looked as though he’d be able to take care of himself but four against one isn’t fair. That’s what I’m saying about injustice and stuff. If it had been a one-on-one situation I’d have walked on by and let him take his chance. I stopped it, picked up his glasses and tried to bend them back into shape but they just sort of fell apart in my hands … hopeless. Handing them back I informed him I was sorry for busting them and stuff and he shrugged. There were tears. Not like he was crying or anything but just like they were there in his eyes, waiting. I asked him his name and what class he was in and if he’d got any mates but he couldn’t speak and just kept shrugging. Blood started coming out of his nose ad he was wiping it on his sleeve which, to be honest made me want to puke. Awful thing was this kid wouldn’t stop following me around. Couldn’t get rid of him for months. He found out where I lived and started waiting outside the house … underneath my bedroom window. My mum wanted to invite him in ‘cos he looked … well he looked kind of pathetic I suppose. I wouldn’t let her. Funny thing is I heard this kid’s a doctor now. Guess I should sign up with him for special treatment or something but I wouldn’t know where to find him ‘ cos I can’t remember his name. They used to call him ‘Hippy’ anyway.

With the long hours and the lights and the fact I’ve got nothing to look forward to this stuff  is floating back. Stuff I thought had been buried and stuff  I didn’t even realise I’d remembered.

 Pick up at Leopold Avenue, Mansion Block. A Mr. Benson going to the hospital. Wants you to wait for him and run him back when he’s finished. 

So what? Another call like hundreds of others. At this time in the morning after the rush hour dies down we get a lot of hospital runs and old ladies going shopping. Nothing unusual. Benson is waiting outside the building in the rain, wearing a fishing hat and long coat. I’m telling you this guy obviously wears the coat indoors ‘cos it’s covered in fag burns and food. Usually I’ll help them to the car, opening the door, carrying their bags or whatever. He beats me to it though, limping towards the back door, and wrenching it open with such force it makes him go that really worrying kind of red. He dumps himself on the back seat like a breathless sack. Once settled he slams the door shut so violently that my teeth clatter.

“Where to boss?” I ask.

“The hospital. Don’t bother going around the houses either! I know the way and I know how much it is … so don’t even bother alright bud?”

Passenger on Board - short story over one week (or so)

This monologue first appeared in Issue 17 of Open Wide Magazine 

Only started in the minicabs because it suits me. Pick your own hours, be your own boss. Also means there’s time to rehearse the band but even that’s gone off the boil lately. We lost our drummer about three months back and drummers are really hard to come by. Philpot reckons we should get a computer or a machine or something but I dunno’. I’m just in it for a laugh anyway and the truth is I haven’t got a clue how they work or anything. Anyway, you can’t have three guitars and a machine - it’d look all wrong. Try naming one band with a drum machine and three guitars … although Philpot keeps going on about this band called … can’t remember now. Anyway, I told him I’d never heard of them whoever they were. So, because it’s been kind of slow and we’re all broke we’ve sort of let it slide I suppose … mainly ‘cos of the cost the rehearsal space now we can only split the room hire three ways.Since Gill left and we stopped rehearsing it’s been a nightmare. Too much time on my hands. Not that Gill went very far - only back to her place downstairs. Should never have started seeing her, not living on top of her and stuff. Used to say she could run but she couldn’t hide. Wouldn’t have minded being dumped except within a week she was with some other muppet and I had to listen to them going at it. I mean she could’ve played away from home.

Started the longer hours just to stay out of the way and keep busy plus I reckon I’ve got some catching up to do. What I mean is that at my age I should have some money in the bank and a decent place to live. Anyway I haven’t so maybe all these break-ups are like a blessing … some sort of blessing … a chance for me to think about what I’m going to do and maybe earn some extra cash. All these hours at the wheel gives your brain time to wander forwards, sideways but mainly backwards. Your past is in front of you. Recently the two main things on my mind (as the lights flash past) have been women (under the categories: What Could Have Been, Missed Chances and Bad Behaviour) and stuff I thought was long forgotten. This stuff makes me angry … really angry. Not that I’m an angry person or anything. You ask anyone … they’ll tell you I’m pretty laid back. Thing is my mind keeps settling on the same old things and it’s like this feeling injustice and that’s one thing I hate. Doesn’t have to be an injustice done to me or anything - could be anyone - even someone I don’t know.

tbc …